Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Falling Apart at the Seams

    Do you ever feel like stress is coming at you from every possible direction, none of it is going away or being fixed, and all you can possibly do is curl up in a ball and hope nothing hits you hard enough to break anything? Me too. Between the stress of preparing for another school year, family issues, emotional woes, and far too many personal frustrations, I feel like I'm falling apart. 
    What makes it even worse is when someone has caused you pain, whether intentional or not, and it feels like they don't even care, like your emotions don't matter. So you just find yourself spitting out "I'm happy for you" after mindless "I'm happy for you" until you don't even remember what your real smile looks like.
    Every now and then I think about what would happen if I just didn't go back to school. What if I were to just quit, get a job, get an apartment, and just never go back? Would it even matter? Would I be missed or would everyone just go on and smooth over the small space that I occupied in their lives?
     I pray every day for grace and serenity and calm, but more and more it seems like all I get is additional crap thrown at me until I just crawl in a hole and hide. At this point I'm just holding on with all I have left (which isn't much) and praying that things calm down once I get back to school. Here's hoping...

Monday, July 18, 2011

One of Those Days

    Have you ever found yourself just totally exhausted with your life? That's kind of where I'm at right now. I've been praying constantly for strength, wisdom, and patience as I move forward. As anyone who has ever moved back home after going to school knows, this summer has been difficult. Not because I don't love my family, but because the adjustments have been hard to make. After 9 months of almost total independence and freedom to make my own choices, it is difficult to come back home where my parents still view me and their kid, the same person they lived with while I was in high school.
    One of the hardest parts of coming back home is just that, I'm not the same person I was in high school, and while many of my friends and family members have grown and changed right along with me, many have not. Figuring how and where they fit into the life I am growing into is incredibly challenging. Especially as I face a very busy Sophomore year and the prospect of living on my own or with friends outside my home next summer. College is a time where my whole life s changing very fast all the time, whether I can keep up or not.
    I've also been struggling a lot with feeling frustrated and hopeless. I was wrongly fired from my job mid-summer, so I have no money and no car, thus no way of getting around on my own. I have, as previously mentioned, struggled with independence versus being controlled and lead by parents. I have missed my friends and haven't seen them nearly as much as I would like. My biggest struggle is feeling totally powerless to control my own life. 
    I'm a free spirit at best. I'm spontaneous and weird and I like being able to just go out at 3am with my friends just because we want to. I like absurd ideas and laughing a lot. I love the fact that I'm usually a really calm person, even in the face of heavy course loads and money problems. What I don't like is the person all this stress and frustration turns me into. I don't like fighting with my family and feeling angry and bitter. I don't like the moody, frustrated, cranky person I am right now.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

My dearest friend, if you don't mind...

    Have you ever stopped for a minute to think about how awesome your friends are? I do, all the time. One such occasion was this afternoon while I was riding in the car, the soundtrack to my life (also known as my iPod) blasting away in my ears.
    My friends are some truly incredible people. We can spend months apart, and come back together like we saw each other yesterday. I am blessed with a wide variety of friends from many races, cultures, locations, and lifestyles, and each and every one of them means so much to me.
    This has already been an amazing summer for me. My friends and I have shared drinks, clothes, experiences, laughs, homes, eyeliners, cameras, music, and lives. We are joined at the hip, no matter how far we wander. I have been to so many great shows, fun parties, and spent time just hanging out with the people who love me. I've learned a lot about myself, including who is worth holding on to. Tomorrow I head off on another adventure with Belinda and Anthony, my first Warped Tour (hopefully of many to come)! I'm sure there will be another blog post swiftly following my return.
    In short, my friends are amazing people. They keep me on my feet and haul me along for some of the best adventures I've ever been on. I can't wait to see where life takes us this summer, this school year, next summer, and in the years to come.