Tonight I said goodbye to Juanny, the last of my "group" who will be leaving before I do. Katana and Noah are already gone, Be and Brad are staying put, Aubrey isn't leaving for a while, and I don't leave until Sunday. However, saying bye to Juan was what really made it all hit. I've seen him at least once a week since I started at HAHS, and I had the sudden realization that next Wednesday I will not be getting in the van, cranking up the radio, and going to pick up my favorite Mexican from Hoopeston.
That was the moment in which it hit me that now is when everything changes. This time next week I will be ending my first day of classes. I won't be at home, in my bed, blogging about my insecurities; and suddenly, I'm really scared. I haven't been nervous yet, I'm a generally confident person. But now, that its hitting me, it's actually scary to think that in less than 100 hours, I will be living with a person I have never met, in a place that I haven't even spent the night, in a room that I've only even set foot in once. I have nobody there, nobody who knows me inside and out and can calm me down when I start to have a panic attack. I'm trying to think about this like summer camp, but in the back of my mind, I know that this is so much bigger than Lyndie and I sharing bunk beds at 4-H camp.
There is a part of me, the logical part, that knows that this fear is natural, but so is this transition, and that I will be totally fine; I will find my niche, get into a rhythm, make friends, and be okay. In spite of all of that, I'm scared, and praying constantly that God would give me the strength and courage to take on what is ahead of me, while also giving me the resolve and ability to hold on to the important things behind me.